Disturbia

Sure the movie is a blatant rip-off of Alfred Hitchcock's "Rear Window". But who cares? Most people under the age of 30 haven't even heard of "Rear Window". And those over 30 never saw it.

Quick Summary: Boy loses father, becomes mild deviant, goes under house arrest for 3 months and spends his time watching the neighborhood around him. Cute girl moves in next door and together they investigate their strange neighbor after they witness some seemingly sinister occurrences.

Before I get too far in the review it's important that I note that I think Shia LaBeouf is going to get far in Hollywood. The boy can act. He proved it with "Holes" and "The Greatest Game Ever Played". He puts most of the young actors out there to shame. His performance in "Disturbia" is no different.

The movie is a typical thriller. The real things that it has going for it is that it is well written and well acted. The directing is at least good enough not to drag the movie down but isn't any spectacular. That's not surprising though considering the director D.J. Caruso. He's got "Nick of Time" and "Taking Lives" on the good side, and "Another Stakeout" and "Drop Zone" on the other. That's pretty hit-and-miss.

Not the greatest thriller ever made but worth watching. A pretty good date movie filled with jumps, shocks, wit, and action.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

This proves that I will see any movie out. If you haven't heard of Aqua Teen Hunger Force DO NOT see this movie. If you have heard of Aqua Teen Hunger Force DO NOT see this movie. If you own a Meatwad T-Shirt and you find yourself quoting Carl on a daily basis, SEE THIS FILM!

In this movie you will find laser poodles, flaming chickens, digital vomit induced from a space invader, heavy metal nachos, and a robot made out of meat. And those are the normal things (as far as the movie goes). This movie is over-the-top zaniness that teeter-totters between absolute insanity and brilliance. You have to have a very odd sense of humor to appreciate this movie. You're more likely to win the lottery than to like the Aqua Teen Hunger Force. So make the decision, buy a ticket to the movie, or buy 8 $1 scratch-and-win tickets. Ultimately, the choice is yours.

I get the humor and consider an instant cult classic. Many will disagree.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Pathfinder

The only path this movie is going to find is quickest path to the Wal-Mart bargain bin. Take the worst elements of Beastmaster, Highlander, and The Last of the Mochicans and you've got yourself Pathfinder, or as I like to refer to it, a recipe for a steaming pile of excrement. And that's being kind.

Quick summary: Abandoned Viking child found in ship is raised by Indians. When he comes of age his fellow Vikings come back to settle on the Indian's land. Indian-Viking American teenager fights Vikings, gets captures and leads the Vikings through treachorous paths promising to take them to the Indian village.

First of all, why would Vikings blindly follow the path of the enemy in hopes that the enemy will lead them to their desired destination? That would be like asking a preacher for directions to the nearest crack house. He's not going to take me to a crack house, he's going to lead me to an intervention. The Vikings in the movie have about as much sense as the executives who green-lighted the film.

Now lets talk about Karl Urban (not to be confused with Nicole Kidman's hubby Keith Urban). Karl Urban is like a zombie who works out. It seems like the more muscle mass he acquires on his body he subtracts from his brain. Luckily the director was smart enough to not give him many speaking lines (kind of like the Keanu tactic in the Matrix). He gets to nod a lot and then swing a sword. Isn't that how Arnold got his start too? They call him 'ghost' in the movie, probably because his character is so two-dimensionally paper-thing that you can see right through it, much like a ghost. Karl Urban sucks like a Dyson vaccuum, with very little that can get in the way of its sucking.

The directing is lifeless, hollow, and extremely dull. There are about 4 5-minute action sequences that are mildly entertaining. That leaves 70 minutes of utterly painful dialague and drama.

Rating: 2 out of 10

Grindhouse: Death Proof

I don't think Tarantino can do any wrong (other than Foxy Brown, I don't know what he was thinking on that film). Film after film Tarantino proves again and again that he is an unstoppable creative force. Death Proof is a crazy, well-written stunt spectacular that brings the best from the worst of the 70's.

Kurt Russell is Stuntman Mike who stalks hot girls then tortures them with his retro car. Not much for a plot, but somehow it works. The movie is carried most of the way through with dialogue, which is rare to see these days. You could have a 20-minute conversation between three girls about completely senseless topics but you still can't turn away. How does Tarantino do it?

When the engaging conversations stop, the stunts and violence begin. I think if any other director tried to pull this movie off it would have been a horrible mess. But somehow Tarantino brings his deranged thoughts out of his mind and onto the screen, fully capturing us, the audience, and taking for a memorable ride.

Rating: 8 out of 10

Grindhouse: Planet Terror

I've got to admit, Robert Rodriguez used to be one of my favorite directors. "Used to be" is the key phrase here. Robert has lost his edge lately and I think its because he can't quite pull off working with big budget movies and not letting other people do their jobs. Robert is the kind of guy who has to have his hands in everything which in this movie, worked against him. I think he should have just directed and let the studio experts take the rest from him. In all fairness though, I feel a large part of the movie was taken away from him with the "R" rating as well. You can tell that Robert went all out on some scenes only to have the whittled down to senseless nubs once the meat was trimmed out of them.

Robert is absolutely brilliant and it showed in "El Mariachi", "Desperado", and "Four Rooms". But between "Dusk till Dawn", "Sharkboy and Lava Girl", and "Planet Terror" Robert is starting to suck. If "Sin City" hadn't been thrown into the middle of that list I probably would have given up completely on him by now. And when you set him next Tarantino, who is obviously much more talented than Rodriquez, it makes him suck that much more.

Planet Terror is a splatter-gore, zombie movie. The story is bad, the acting is bad, and the camera work is bad. The only thing that keeps it going is the campy humor and the over-the-top gore. But the movie needs a little substance to keep the style going and Rodriquez fails to deliver. Rose McGowen was a bad choice for the title role. I'll give Freddy Rodriguez all the credit for keeping this film mildly enjoyable.

I think the unrated DVD is going to be a much better tribute to this style of movie.

Rating: 4 out of 10

The Reaping

From the director who brought us classics like "Nightmare on Elm Street 5", "Lost in Space", and "Predator 2", we're given another crappy movie with "The Reaping". The ten plagues reappear in a small Southern town and the citizens think a girl from the bayou is causing them. So they pack their pickups with shotguns and head out for a lynching.

Okay, so the plot is weak, but I must say, the special effects help hold it up pretty good. For anyone who remembers watching the horrible effects in "The Seventh Sign", this movie is a refreshing look at how far we've come. The river of blood was quite impressive and I'm still scratching my head on how they pulled it off. The locusts were also impressive.

Other than the special effects, the only other thing going for the movie is its sense of tension and scare. The movie does pull off some pretty tense moments and some jump-out-of-seat moments; but only in the theater. On your home TV it's going to lose a lot of its punch.

I think the most disappointing element of the film is the weak ending. The movie could have ended a whole host of entertaining ways but it went with a cop out ending that felt rushed, incomplete and hollow.

Rating: 6 out of 10

Blades of Glory

Will Farrell did it again. He took the same script he had in Anchorman, Elf, Kicking and Screaming, and Talladega Nights and just changed the occupation of the main character. This time he chooses an ice skater. I'll give Will Farrell credit where credit is due though; the man does have a brilliant sense of comedic timing. He can say anything, but as long as he says it at the right time, he's funny.

The real drag on this movie was John Heder. We all thought Napoleon Dynamite was funny, but John, come on now, it's like a guy who made a half-court shot at half-time thinking he's ready to play in the NBA. John Heder's acting ability is up there with David Hasselhoff, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jennifer Lopez. For Pete's sake, even Rob Schneider out acts the guy. Ouch.

The directing is forgettable, the story weak, and the dialogue is pretty cheesy. Coach does a bad job coaching. If Will Farrell hadn't been in it the movie would have been doomed and would have been found in the bargain bin with Cool Running, The Ice Princess, and The Cutting Edge.

Rating: 7 out of 10

Meet the Robinsons

As far as animated films that have come out lately, this is probably the most forgettable film. The story is barely strong enough to hold the movie together for the full hour-and-a-half. The animation is well done, but it doesn't have that extra kick that makes it anything special.

The voice acting is good but its mostly filled with voices that sound familiar but that you can't quite place. You won't be able to place them because none of the voices are attached to any big name stars. But it is adequate.

Another element of mediocrity is the story. The plot is nothing special to write home about, just another caricature imitating life. Like most Disney movies it addresses the emotions tied to losing a parent (through adoption in this case and not through death like most Disney movies) and struggling with fitting in (with genius the characteristic in this case). There are a lot of quirky story elements that my son and I really didn't get. Like the rooms throughout the house that the Robinsons were playing in. The Robinson kids to me felt like a bunch of spoiled brat 20-somethings that refused to get out of the house and make a life of their own. But the movie relished in this instead of criticizing it which was odd to me.

All and all, a movie that's mildly enjoyable and easily forgettable.

Rating: 5 out of 10

The Hills Have Eyes 2

The Hills Have Eyes 2 is a sequel of a remake which itself is a remake of a sequel. Who would have thought that they would remake a film that went straight to video the first time and got worse review than Glitter and Gigli combined? I didn't. If Wes Craven's name hadn't been somewhere in the credits of this film (showing up as producer and co-writer with his son on this one) this movie had have hit the bargain bin faster than Little Man 2. With all of that said, this movie was a complete waste, although it did have to slide by on the its gore-factor alone.

The plot is simple enough, National Guards are sent to aid some scientists who are investigating an old bomb testing area filled with mutated, incestuous humanoids. The mutants feel more like small-town rednecks than radioactive monstrosities. I think I've seen most of these people wandering around Lawton in Wal-Mart at 2 in the morning.

You haven't heard of any of the actors but they don't do that bad of a job. Which is pretty impressive considering the script could have been written in Crayon with as adolescent and simplistic as it is. Check out the movie quotes page for it on the Internet Movie Database website and you'll see what I'm talking about (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800069/quotes). Most memorable quote according that site is "There's A hand in the shitter!".

The directing is just on par. It does what "The Descent" does ten times better. The only good directing point I can give the movie is its pacing. It does a good job of keeping the characters moving to each of their demises. It's like Final Destination meets Cliffhanger.

Unless you're a hardcore horror movie buff there really is no reason to see this. For the guys, DO NOT suggest this as a date movie.

Rating: 4 out of 10