DVD Review - Vanishing on 7th Street

Synopsis:
Without explanation, if you are shrouded in darkness you disappear forever.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“...the shadow-puppet apocalypse exists outside of explanations, or indeed logic of any kind. So does Vanishing on 7th Street." – Shaun Gandert -

My Review:
Before I get into my preview, I would just like to say that Hayden Christensen has done it again.  He has ruined another movie.  If he continues ruining movies he will soon catch up the master himself, Ben Affleck.  Hayden single-handedly destroyed Star Wars which is a feat unto itself.  But let's not forget the other movies that had potential that he sucked the life out of: Jumper, Awake and Takers.  His best role to date is the paperboy "In The Mouth of Madness".

So I have to say, the premise to this film is absolutely engrossing.  Out of nowhere, the lights go out across the world and everyone in darkness suddenly vanishing, living behind their clothes.  What a great concept!  So the first 10 minutes and the flash backs that show this event are spectacular.   But past that, all we get is a lot of pointless chatter to fill the time and then an ending so infuriating you end of wishing you never sat through the other 90 minutes.

Rating:
4 out of 10

Suck Scale:
First 10 minutes don't suck.  Then it's all down hill from there.

The Hangover: Part II

Synopsis:
The exact same as the first movie but add Thailand, a monkey and more shock value.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“At least it's not in 3D.” – Rob Vaux  -

My Review:
There's not really a reason to review this movie because it's the exact same movie as the first one.  The bad part is that it's not as good as the first movie.  The first movie was fresh, exciting, unpredictable and funny.  The second movie is stale, relies too heavily on shock and falls flat.  A bigger budget may be to blame.  My Hangover movie doesn't need car chases, shootouts, or helicopters.  It just the guys stumbling around trying to figure out what happen to them the night before.

The movie also relies too heavily on shock value.  Low brow shock value.  Shock value that is uncreative and unclever (if that's a word).  The first movie seem better written and better performed.  The sequel seems like a good Saturday Night skit that goes way too long.  The acting is good, the leads take command of their roles, but when the monkey steals the scene, something is wrong (nice jacket by the way).  The directing is better than a straight-to-DVD but still up-and-coming.   As a last note the movie could have used some more women in it.  It seemed a little heavy on the sausage. 

Rating:
5 out of 10

Suck Scale:
Compared to the first movie it sucked big time.  On its own it wouldn't have seemed to suck as bad.

Priest

Synopsis:
It’s like Legion: a crappy story, horrid dialogue and more cheesy than a block of Velvetta stuffed with ricotta.  But without the angels.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“The God of Aborted Franchises will be pleased.” – Keith Uhlich -

My Review:
It’s not a good thing when you’d rather watch a Uwe Boll film than a Scott Stewart flick.  I was scouring the floor of the movie theater trying to find an unpopped kernel of popcorn to slit my wrists with.  And that’s really bad considering the run time of this movie is less than 90 minutes.  I have no idea how this film didn’t go straight to the sci-fi channel.  But I kind of doubt that sci-fi would even pick it up.  MegaGatorShark is a hundred time more entertaining (and has a higher production value).

You know how Firefly took sci-fi and injected a bit of Western into it, making it unique and fun.  Well, it doesn’t work with every sci-fi concept. Priest is the mix of Blade Runner scenery, Catholic themes, Vampires, and the Wild West.  Individually, all great things.  But this director mixed them all together like a little kid mixing sodas into a suicide drink.  All you end up with is a glass full of crap that no one wants.  That’s Priest.

Oh why oh why didn’t they do a Preacher movie instead?

Rating:
1 out of 10

Suck Scale:
Major suckage.

Thor

Synopsis:

A lot like Superman 2 where our hero loses his powers and we get to watch to  comedic antics of a man who until previously had god-like powers eat at Denny’s.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“Entertaining and instantly forgettable.” – John Beifuss -

My Review:
Look, I wanted to like it.  I’m a fan of comic book movies.  There has been several hits that I have enjoyed including (but not limited to):
Batman, Scott Pilgrim, Blade, The Crow, Hellboy, Ghost World, Sin City, 300, Kick-Ass.

But let’s not forget that there have been several really, really bad comic book movies too:
Howard the Duck, Fantasic Four, Daredevil, Catwoman, Dick Tracy, TMNT, The Punisher, Shazaam, Steel

But there’s a huge gray area:
Hulk, Watchmen, Spider-Man, X-Men, Iron Man, Road to Perdition, History  of Violence.

Unfortunately, Thor falls into this gray area category for me.  The writer and director had a difficult task in front them.  They had to take a comic book hero that does not have the mass appeal of Superman, Batman, Spider-Man and the like.  It would be like trying to make an Aquaman or a Green Lantern movie (we’ll see how that works out).  And to me it felt like two completely different movies which neither one quite worked for me.

Let’s start with the director, Kenneth Branagh, best known for bringing Shakespeare to the big screen.  Think about the last great Branagh movie you liked that wasn’t based on a classic novel.  That’s what I thought.  So red flag number one, poor director choice.

Next let’s evaluate our star, Chris Hemsworth.  Name your favorite movie (not TV show) that he has starred in.  That’s what I thought.  I’m not saying he did a bad job, but he’s no Christian Bale.  And come Natalie Portman, are you that desperate for work.

So all and all it was a slightly entertaining film with some light chuckles and hammer smashed faces.  But it wasn’t enough to make me jump with joy.  Of course, I’m an extremely jaded movie watcher, so what do I know.

Note:  Does anyone else feel like these movies are just infomercials for the Avengers movie?

Rating:
4 out of 10

Suck Scale:
Sucks like a leech on an open wound.

The Fast Five

Synopsis:
The same plot as the other four Fast and Furious movies.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“It's big, loud, dumb, over-the-top and mostly substanceless. But it works, perhaps better than ever before.” – Matt Neal -

My Review:
I don't always want to cry at an aging couple reliving their teenage romance.  I don't always want to see a documentary about how we are destroying the ice caps.  I don't always want to see a foreign film with subtitles, mimes and a ending where everyone dies.   Sometimes when I go to the movies I just want to be entertained.  And in that regard, The Fast Five delivers.

You get a little bit of everything in this film.  Some comedy, some drama, and a whole lot of action.  You get to see Vin fight The Rock.  You get explosions, heist and car races.   Also, the girls in the film are drop-dead beautiful.  Come on now, what more do you want out of  action movie?  Arnold?  I don't think so.

I'm not saying the dialogue is anything great but it doesn't matter.  The whole movie could have been shot without a word of dialogue and you would still have a full understanding of the story.  It's kind of like McDonald's.  The menu doesn't need words when the pictures of the food are there.  Just point.

So to summarize, if you want a brainless action flick, see it.  If your girlfriend/wife wants a date night, do not see it.

Rating:
8.5 out of 10

Suck Scale:
Not enough time between action scenes for this film to suck.