Zookeeper

Synopsis:
No plot. Just a bunch of talking animals.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“I would rather lie on a bed of nails watching Dr Doolittle for a week than see a single reel of Zookeeper again." - Philip French

My Review:
Unless your a 6-year-old child there is no reason to see this movie. Kevin James is an absolute waste of talent. He's a funny guy who has settled for horrible scripts and going-nowhere roles. He might as well star in the next "Air Bud" movie (it's the one in the bargain bin at Walmart with the dog that plays sports).

Rating:
2 out of 10

Suck Scale:
Suck master supreme.

Green Lantern

Synopsis:
An alien crashes on Earth and picks Ryan Reynolds to be the newest member to the Green Lantern team.  At the same time, a great evil descends upon the universe.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
"Green Lantern is a moronic superhero. Ryan Reynolds is too cool to play such a lame character. There...I said it." - Bob Grimm -

My Review:
Oh where to begin on the giant mess of a movie.  Should I start with how the great talents of Ryan Reynolds have been completely squandered?  Maybe I should focus on how the script reads like it was written by a 4-year-old?  Then again I could talk about how the movie feels fake, two-dimensional (oh the irony) and is duller than a butter knife.  Hopefully you get my point.  That every single aspect of this movie is tragically flawed.

Ryan Reynolds is a great actor.  He was on my list of up-and-comers a long time ago.  It's just too bad his agent has been picking stink bombs for him.  He's like Ben Affleck but has good looks, great acting skills, strong comedic timing and onscreen charm.  Ok, so he's the opposite of Ben Affleck.  And for all of you people who love Ben Affleck and want me to lay off of him, just go back and watch Reindeer Games again.

Another odd thing about this movie is that it was directed by the guy who did Casino Royale.  I don't get it.  Why would you take someone known for gritty, dark, character story driven films and give them a superhero movie.  Did we not learn our lesson from the last Superman movie?  Or the Hulk movie with Eric Bana?  Or Batman and Robin?  The list goes on and on.  You think Hollywood would go with what they know instead of risking their financial futures on a potentially risky director. 

And the script, oh the script.  You could make a drinking game out of how many times the word 'fear' is used.  The audience gets beaten over the head with constant over explanation and back story.  We're comic book nerds, we don't need the back story.  Give us a good story, not a thorough one.  And what is the deal with the fact that the Green Lantern can materialize anything he can think of and then the only thing he can come up with are airplanes and a giant fist?  The alien should have chosen someone more creative on Earth.  Jeez.

Rating:
3 out of 10

Suck Scale:
You know how Paralax sucks the souls right out of their bodies?  Same experience for me watching the film.

Super 8

Synopsis:
JJ Abrams hides the plot from us again and I'm not going to spoil it for you.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“Despite the complete chaos, Super 8's conclusion somehow felt anti-climactic, a blunt and barbaric cinematic shock-and-awe campaign when what had come before it had been handled with the precision of a surgical SEAL team strike." - Brandon Fibbs -

My Review:
Let's start with love/hate relationship with J.J. Abrams.  I love you for creating Lost.  I hate you for the ending.  I love you for the Star Trek reboot.  I hate you for the Cloverfield ending.  But let's honest, there's definitely more to love than to hate.

What I mean by that is that J.J. Abrams is single-handedly bringing back the movie and TV industry.  I look forward to his movies.  He's the opposite of M. Night.  J.J. keeps getting better and M. Night keeps getting worse (don't make me review The Devil again to prove my point).   J.J. has brought us excitement, mystery, suspense, thrills and movies and shows we can talk about until the of time.

Enough about him, let's talk about this movie.  I like to call this movie E.T with blood.  It has a lot of the kid-friendly themes as E.T.  We care about the kids and we enjoy following them as they progress through the movie.  The dialogue is sharp and witty and the story moves at a good pace.  As far as cinema fair goes, it's pretty standard and old school.  It has a clear beginning, middle and end.  The only real problem I had with this movie was the end.  It was too anti-climatic and cheesy.  And it didn't have to be.  What a waste of potential.  I think J.J. should let someone else write his endings for him.  Someone like Andrew Kevin Walker (see Se7en).

Rating:
7.5 out of 10

Suck Scale:
Beginning didn't suck.  Middle didn't suck.  Ending teetered on sucking.

X-Men: First Class

Synopsis:
Meet Professor Xavier and Magneto when they were wee lads.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“Instead of being all about people discovering or earning their new powers, X-Men: First Class is all about the relationships. And it is a much better movie for it.” – Tim Martain -

My Review:
We all wanted to like the X-Men movies.  It was supposed to be the movie franchise that quenched the insatiable thirst of fan boys everywhere.  But the X-Men movies were mediocre at best.  But we wanted them to be good so we lied to ourselves and told ourselves they were better than they actually were.  Well, now we no longer have to lie to ourselves, because this X-Men movie captures the story, excitement and kick-ass'd-ness that we were hungry for.

We know it's going to be a great movie based on two things we see in the first 10 minutes.  A darker theme and Kevin Bacon.  You know how Ben Affleck ruins every movie he's in?  Kevin Bacon does the opposite.  No one would even know what "Wild Things" was if Bacon wasn't in the flick.  It's not like Nev Campbell had the big name star power to draw the audiences.  Also "Stir of Echoes", need I say more?

Back to the movie at hand, this X-Men is darker, has a great story and ties into the other movie like a shoe lace.  The Cuban missile crisis is also an unlikely but great backdrop for the story.  The only compliant I have is that they killed Darwin too fast.  I would love to see an origin movie for him (even if it is straight to DVD).

Rating:
8 out of 10

Suck Scale:
You know how X-Men 3 sucked.  Well, this doesn't.

Bridesmaids

Synopsis:
Annie's best friend is getting married.  Now she's trying to make everything perfect for her big day.

Favorite one-line review from a different critic:
“The funniest movie of the year. Unlike 'Hangover,' the film doesn't rely on sexism, homophobia and racial epithets to hit a punch line." – Clay Cane -

My Review:
The opening scene is instantly uncomfortable, shocking, odd and funny.  It does a great job at setting the tone for the rest of the movie.  I honestly didn't know what to expect from this movie.  I thought it was just going to be a female version of The Hangover.  I was surprised to find that it is its own movie.  It had its own style, its own comedic timing and was ten times better than The Hanover 2.  Kristin Wigg is perfect in the role and has genius comedic timing (too bad she can't save SNL).

The directing is surprising good along with the production value.  Most movies that star SNL actors have the budget of a porno and the production value of...well...a porno.  And the acting of...you get the point.  Bridemaids is well acted, well written and has plenty of clever and fresh humor.  And that's all I'm really looking for out of a comedy.

Rating:
9 out of 10

Suck Scale:
The opposite of suck.